Addict

It’s irritating when you notice the kind of people you remember from high school being in college.

This is my experience…

This somewhat.. perspiring… kid sits next to me in the library at a computer. Mumbles and says things to himself, audible to anyone around him, like something from a video game; like he’s a dying character. He has bangs that shoot forward out of his head, grouped in a manner which appears as though designed that way due to oil buildup. Fucking repulsive.

That’s all.

I really don’t notice many people in their pajamas either. Relief.

I’m still sick but I wish it’ll be over soon.

We learn in life that it’s NATURE to be close with others. Close to one in particular, you get married and have children. I’m not sure how to ree-uh-lize myself and how I feel. I know I care about people. I know I care more for certain people. And I know I care about one person at a particular time in a particular way, apart from everyone else. But does this mean anything? Except that I’d fuck this person? Lol.

There are people who I don’t care about hurting and those where I do and so I don’t fashion a situation where I would be responsible for harming them. Both of those, however, comprise the general population of those I care about. Fucked up no?

I think I am in love with someone when I know I don’t want that person to ever experience emotional (and, I guess, physical) pain, especially by me. I obligate myself (suppress my “selfish” desires) for the sake of their safety, which ultimately, is something I am concerned with. I strive for their permanent presence in my life because it is them who makes me happy. It’s not giving and expecting nothing in return. It’s giving and observing positive enhancements to that person. Feeling responsible for their growth and taking pride in them. You make them better to make yourself better. -- These are things I experience, so in other words... are happening and increasing my "awareness" (fingers in the air quotations) --

But all of this are just things I "know". Not anything I’ve sought out to prove are true just to make myself feel better or right. I may not know FOR SURE. But I’m confident in this belief. I’m hopeful for what I would like to happen but also content if it does not.

It’s a happy sadness/sad happiness but with NO emphasis of sadness/sad. But like a…. “oh, well!”