Hi, imaginary friends. My babe is here. This is Ethan. Ethan Saam. E name for me. Saam for my daddy who picked the name after Rostam's grandfather. Google it.
My pregnancy wasn't all that bad. The first trimester sucked a lot because I was nauseous 24/7. Then the third trimester sucked because of round ligament pain - it was so bad that at 39 weeks my OB asked if I wanted to be induced prior to my due date, and I said, "yes, please!"
My main purpose for posting here is to remind myself later of how traumatic my birth experience was. I'm 3 weeks postpartum and I THINK I'm finally moving past it to the point where I can talk about it without crying.
I was induced on 11/13, 5 days before Ethan's due date, 11/18. Ethan was born 11/14 at 9:35P.
The first delivery nurse with me was ending her shift, her name was Avi. She was nice. Avi inserted the cervidil to speed up my cervix's softening, thinning and dilation. Cervidil is a small, tampon like medication that has to be inserted RAW. RAW DOG. It hurt going in and hurt going out. It also did NOT make much of a difference to my cervix. I was, I think, only 1.5 cm dilated.
The 2nd nurse was Kia. Kia was great. Kia attached probes to my belly to monitor my contractions and Ethan's heart beat. Which, by the way, had to CONSTANTLY be adjusted because they would move. I got zero sleep. Kia removed the cervidil after 12 hours and set up the pitocin drip before her shift ended.
The 3rd nurse was Lisa. Lisa was also great and my favorite. She set up the probes better which allowed me to get a little bit of sleep. Lisa prepped me for the epidural by advising me how to position myself. This was right before all hell broke loose.
My water broke right after I sat down. It was a LOT of water. (I was deemed a "high risk" due to the volume of water I had in me.) I looked down at it and could see little flicks of confetti looking like blood specks in it. Lisa tried to wipe up the floor as best she could while continuing to coach me for the epidural. Chin down, shoulders forward, back bent.
Dr. Wagner was the anesthesiologist giving me the epidural. Right before he came in, Lisa asked my mom to step out. Dr. Wagner walked in with his hospital phone going off because somewhere else someone was in need of an anesthesiologist for a D&C. He'd answer and tell them he would be there after he was done with me, got another call right after that one, "I am in the middle of a procedure!" he insisted. This happened a couple of times to the point where he handed Lisa the phone so he could work on me and so she could tell the person calling that Dr. Wagner was busy. They both seemed frustrated. He taped up my back and while he was doing his thing, some hospital staff member came in asking, "Sharps?" She's somebody who comes and empties out the sharps containers. Lisa and Dr. Wagner both had to ask her several times to leave - I think there may have been a language or intellectual barrier with her. I'm not too sure. She even started going towards Dr. Wagners little epidural trolly kit for his personal stash of sharps and that surprised and ticked him and Lisa off too.
When Dr. Wagner and Lisa finally have me ready to go... I feel a really sharp and intense "pressure." I put "pressure" in quotes because I feel like everyone wanted to describe PAIN as PRESSURE and, NO. It was one in the same to me. The pain was so bad I didn't really understand what Dr. Wagner was asking me when he said "Do you feel the needle more to the left? To the right? Center?" And I don't feel like I gave him any correct answers... I just wanted it over with. It literally felt like a huge needle was being jiggled around inside my fucking spine. I'm pretty sure that that was literally happening to me. And, for the record, I have NEVER EVER wanted nor agreed to any kind of spinal injection prior to agreeing to an epidural. This shot hurt me so bad I told Lisa I was gonna puke. And I did. Three times, I think. Lisa got a barf bag and took care of it.
^^^this right here... is what would set off my tears the most whenever I described my experience. Why? BC I could tell Dr. Wagner was frustrated... he was NOT tender with me. Like... I know I'm not entitled to tenderness but his bedside manner was bad in this moment.
This epidural only numbed my left side. Lisa, part of why I thought she was so awesome, asked Dr. Wagner to re-do my epidural. The 2nd go around WAS SO MUCH NICER THAN THE FIRST. I didn't throw up. There was no needle jiggling either. "This was so much better. I think God has an interesting sense of humor," I told them. I think they understood my meaning due to the fact that the first epidural and all the shit going on was just super fucking weird. They were chalking it up to the full moon. I had already decided before all of this, that god finally wanted to bless me with the kid I wanted - but he always makes me pay for it somehow. After that 2nd epidural, my left side was still the only side reacting. My scoliosis was blamed, but Dr. Wagner visited me several times, per Lisa's request I think, to give me more medicine. At one point he had to tell her I had had almost too much. He was also tender to me by then and because of this, I can overlook and forgive the first experience.
When my mom left the room - some other nurses rudely told her she couldn't stand outside my door to wait for the epidural to be finished. They told her to go to the lobby. This pissed her off and she snitched on them to someone. This caused a bit of drama. My baby daddy was there at the hospital too and said he got some mean mugs from staff because of it.
After the epidurals, I was left to chill and let them set in. Both only impacted my left side. I felt the pain of every contraction - which, again, was described to me as "pressure" and again, NO, that shit HURT.
Lisa asked another nurse, Kristin, to hook me up with a NEW IV port because the 2nd one I had in case of an emergency blood transfusion was kinda shitty, I guess. I dunno. So it got taken out and replaced. Kristin used an ultra sound machine to find a good vein and it took an hour... and I actually did not mind her poking me because the contractions, by then, were painful. I was optimistic her pricking would help me focus away from the pain of the contractions. They didn't, though. Once she was done, I chilled a bit more and then Lisa's shift ended. Kia was my nurse again.
Baby daddy and mom were very awesome with supporting and cheering me on. I am forever grateful for their presence. Chris held my leg at one point.
Kia was asking Chris and my mom what time they thought Ethan would arrive. She said something like 10 or 11. I don't think my mom offered a time. Chris said some time sooner than Kia mentioned and he won.
The final contractions I experienced right up until Ethan was born were the craziest sensations and most painful things I've ever felt. I can only describe it as my body's regurgitation of my child from my loins. I had absolutely no control other than pushing or trying my damnedest to prevent myself from involuntarily expelling my kid. Kia literally asked me to breathe through the contractions and NOT push all bc my OB wasn't in the room yet. This was the hardest shit I've ever done in my life. When I could finally push, it was easy. I literally had to push like I was taking a dump. At one point Kia said "I saw your butthole open with that one push. That's the way you need to be pushing." I don't remember how many pushes it took but I was surprised when everyone in the room (and by then there were a lot of people in there) exclaimed "ONE MORE, KEEP PUSHING, HE'S ALMOST HERE, KEEP PUSHING, KEEP PUSHING" and I obliged as best I could. I could see myself in the reflection on the clear panel covering the ceiling lighting. I watched Ethan shoot out of my pussy. My poor, precious baby! His expulsion hurt less than those contractions. "Pressure" my ass. I had a 2nd degree tear and required stitches. The stitches hurt less than those contractions.
My mom cut Ethan's umbilical cord and I'm so glad there are picures of her doing it. <3
During all of this hubbub, it turned out the same rude nurses my mom snitched on were in the room with us. An argument ensued with my mom where she basically said she was tired of them snapping at her over this and that. Telling her she could take pictures but not record video. My mom didn't know what skin to skin contact was and she got upset about someone explaining it to her. Just a lot of pettiness was going on to her in reaction, I think, to her snitching. I don't think she deserved ANY of it. Her and I both cried when we talked to eachother about it after we got home.
We got transferred to the postpartum ward where I had different nurses. Patricia, Leslie, Shamika, and Jongsoon were great. Veronica was trash and needs to keep her opinions to herself. I could NOT wait to be discharged.
SIGH. I think this is all I care to mention for now. I may add more later.
All in all, though, I feel so blessed to have my son and my mom. Chris was not ready for any of this and he's slowly getting there. I am so thankful to him for giving me our son.
